My eyes fade like im about to die What shall I do? Where should I go? Slowly I get up onto my feet I can't walk I'm like a baby just being taught to walk. I see nothing, nothing at all only huge trees. The trees were joined together like a crowd of vivid green umbrellas. The magnificent trees flung their branches up to the sun to frame the deep blue sky. Oh no the birds swooped down again now looking for more food.
By Ben.
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Dear Ben,
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your 100 word challenge, and what a good way to star your challenge with a simile also a good word to describe the bird swooped. But maybe next time you could be a bit more careful with your punctuation.
But over all very good.
For your friend Zain.
6D2012.highlawnprimary.net
Hello Ben,
ReplyDeleteYou have made good use of similes in your story. As an example, "as fast as a cheetah in mid-sprint" helps the reader build a picture in their mind of someone running very quickly. Well done. :)
I see Charlie picked an impressive sentence so I will.
"The magnificent trees flung their branches up to the sun to frame the deep blue sky."
This is a very impressive sentence. I wouldn't try to suggest an improvement. :)
I hope you keep entering the 100WC.
Ross Mannell (Team 100WC)
Teacher (retired), N.S.W., Australia
Hi Ben - a good 100wc! I agree with Ross - you've used some lovely sentences (great use of the Descriptosaurus!), but Zain has a good point too - you do need to check that punctuation very carefully - can you spot where there is some missing?
ReplyDeleteMr K :-)